Thursday, December 30, 2004

painting lines in a school that was too well known...

I have a very full schedule for tomorrow's New Year's Eve festivities. I'm kicking it off by going to the Razorback basketball game. The Hogs play Louisiana-Monroe, who probably aren't the pushovers that people are saying they are. It should be a fun game to watch. After the game, I'm going to JR's to see Aqueduct, one of my favorite bands. I'll probably see the passing of the old to the new year while I'm there. The next step is to head on to the party at PR43's house. There should be lots of entertaining shenanigans occurring there. Doesn't sound like much when I type it all out, but I promise it's a heavy schedule. The best part about it: I don't have to go to work! I'll try to post a few photos from my holiday adventures later.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

it was a really good episode about love always ending in tragedy except, of course, for marge and homer...

I had a wicked dream last night that I had the ability to melt people with my eyes. I was out shopping and there were all these people being rude, so I would just stare at them really hard. They would scream and try to release themselves from my visual grip, but it was all for not. They would quickly melt into a pile of goo in the floor. The other people around me didn't seem to notice that I was killing folks, which was cool because I didn't want to stop. That wasn't the only strange thing in my dream. My mouth would make the deep bellowing sound of a large ship blowing its horn whenever I would try to speak. Again, nobody seemed to notice. I was walking around alone in some kind of indoor mall, but lots of strangers were talking to me. They were telling me about things going on in their lives that only close friends would discuss. And apparently my ship horn sound that would come when I would try to say things like "Do I know you?" translated into "Yes, this is fascinating. Please tell me more." because they would just keep on rambling until I would finally walk away. Oh yea, and I also had a vacuum hose for an arm.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

no wonder i hate theaters...

Monday, December 27, 2004

blogging for others...

In case anyone is wondering, Natalie is back in the states safe and sound. I just talked to her on the phone and she's heading to The Cracker Barrel in Little Rock for some good home-cooked Southern food. She hasn't blogged in awhile due to her hectic schedule of transit (them's some fancy words, Chris). By tomorrow afternoon, she'll be back at her pseudo home in good old Fayetteville, Arkansas. But wait all you fans of random brisk travel across the globe for seemingly unrelated reasons, there's more! Natalie will only be here in Fayetteville for one day, then she's Jeeping it to New Orleans. Ah, the life of the Natalie. Never a dull moment.
Update to that last post: I now have the hat with the ear flaps.

Thanks, Mom.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

eating your parents and other archaic forms of rebellion...

I've always wanted to become some sort of nomad with the mis-matched socks, the full beard, and the hat with the ear flaps. But days like this, when it gets so cold your face hurts, are the days I realize I'd never make it as nomad-beard-sock-hat guy. I can't grow a beard anyway.

nothing feels good...

This is from The Onion. I thought it was pretty funny.

By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and
A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer


Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
There is nothing in your world more satisfying than a good taco and a can of beer, but then, there is almost nothing in your world at all.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

this is my stab at being post-rock and slightly seasoned...

It looks like Fayetteville somehow avoided the snow. It has tapered off to nothing. There's less than an inch on the ground. I guess I could have gone to work today, but...no. I enjoyed my day off. I cleaned the entire house from top to bottom, and boy did it need it. I'm probably going to make myself some hot pockets tonight, chill on the couch, and watch cartoons since I'm ahead of schedule on my cleaning and gift wrapping. Oh yea, and I'll also be enjoying my squeaky clean house. Hooray for bleach, man.
I'm now halfway finished cleaning the house. The snow has started falling again and there is a little bit more on the ground than there was several hours ago. The temperature has definitely started dropping rapidly. Ok, back to cleaning house.
This shot was taken around 9:00 AM. The snow was starting to fall quite a bit in Fayetteville, although it had stopped momentarily while I was taking the photo. Yes, I'm at home right now. I drove about a third of the way to work today before my boss called me and told me to turn around and go home for fear that I would be stuck in Rogers. The bridges were a little icy and the on-ramps were too. I couldn't tell how most of the main interstate was because I was mostly sitting at a dead stop. I turned around at the next exit and came home. Now I must make use of this valuable time by cleaning this dump.
I'll be taking a series of photos from the back deck at my house to document the excitement that is known as snow in Arkansas. The deck overlooks the local high school football stadium, and well...that's about the best view I could get from my house. This was taken at approximately 7:00 AM. Nothing. I whined and complained to my cat about it. He whined and complained back to me, except probably because he was hungry, not because of the lack of snow.

i'm placing you under arrest, so cover yourself in whipped cream...

I just finished wrapping all my Christmas presents. It didn't take as long as I thought it would. Maybe that's because I was watching Busty Cops on Showtime while wrapping them. Those girls sure know how to clean a jail cell. They washed that thing from top to bottom. Left it spic & span, they did.

No snow has fallen so far. Just a little rain and a little ice here and there. And to anyone else from up north who stumbles upon my blog: Yes, I'm aware that it snows more up there. Yes, I'm aware that you know how to drive in the snow better up there. Yes, I'm aware that snow isn't a big deal up there. Yes, I'm aware that schools and businesses don't close for snow up there. It may come as a shock to you, but we DO have mass media and communication methods down here. We ARE connected to the rest of the world. We know things are different up there. We don't care. We enjoy freaking out when it snows. It is a part of our culture. But thanks for visiting. Truly.

I'm going to bed now.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

i sit there in my easy chair, looking at the clouds, orange with celebration...

I should be seeing some snow tonight and tomorrow. I'll hopefully be documenting it from the warmth of home and won't have to drive in it to work in the morning. I just got back from the grocery store. I was stocking up on some food in case I do happen to get snowed in. I'll keep my imaginary readers posted.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

this is way beyond my remote concern of being condescending...

Sometimes I wonder if my life contains enough valuable events to deserve its own blog. Most things that occur in my normal, day-to-day life aren't worth kicking, but tonight I've included a few blog items that normally would get canned at the last second. These are things that have happened in the last few days that I would not typically write about (or hardly be able to put into words period), but this time I think it might actually be slightly more interesting than to not write anything at all.

The smell of coffee in the mornings at our office has been making me feel sick lately. It makes my stomach feel like there's something ripping several large holes in it. I don't drink coffee, unless it's the gay kind with the flavors and the ice and the whip cream and the what not, so I don't make it for everyone when I get to the office like the guy that used to have my job would do. I know I probably should, you know to kiss ass and stuff, but I would probably offend my bosses with my coffee making abilities. I usually just pretend I don't know that the coffee pot exists, while I'm doubled over in pain at my desk from the burned bean smell.

Our secretary at work likes to talk to me while we're working. Her desk is very close to mine, so we have no excuse for not conversing. She's a nice, attractive, fit, Christian, republican lady in her 40's that is married with two young kids. She gets up every morning at 5:00 AM and runs about 5 or 6 miles, then makes lunches for her kids, and then takes them to school. In the afternoons, she leaves work at about 3:00 PM to pick her kids up from school, then they go home and make arts and crafts or something, I don't know. I find her stories to be almost offensively bland. I only hear the first part and then the last part, you know, enough to nod my head and get the gist of it. They're mostly about how appalled she was about an event that happened to her the day before, which I never understand the appalling nature of this event. I typically follow these stories with an insincere "Oh, man...that's terrible. I can't believe that." Then I fight the urge to top her story with a story of my own, which I know she would most certainly find even more appalling than her own. I fight the urge because in my stories, I'm the one performing the appalling act. I could change it to a "I knew this guy that..." story, but then she'd really think I was a freak if I hung out with people like that. I feel bad about not being interested in her stories. I can't help it though. They suck. Her life is lame. I don't want to be her when I'm 40. I guess that's the lesson here.

I hate birds. There's a flock of these nasty black birds that hover over the street on my way home from work every day. I floor the gas pedal to try and avoid any poo, but it never works. White poo on my shiny black car...not cool. Can you imagine if we had the excretion edicate of birds? I could just be walking around in the supermarket and decide "Hey, you know what? I need to have a bowel movement...right freaking now." And I could just pinch one off right there on the floor, because hey...that's how we'd do it. If we did it like birds do, I could defecate WHILE I'M EATING. And I could do it on other people's food, because hey...that's how we'd do it. Yea, so the other day, I was driving with the windows down and guess what happened. Yep. Shit on my shoulder. That's how they do it.

At Saturday's basketball game, I sat in front of these three little spoiled dungeons and dragons kids, who didn't know the first thing about how the game of basketball was played. It seemed that they had also never been to a basketball game before. At one point in the game, a certain black player had made several good plays in a row. When the coach sat him down to rest, they replaced him with a white player. The crowd cheered with encouragement for the black player who was heading to the bench. This is pretty standard stuff in college basketball. When I player who is having a good game hits the bench for a few minutes, the crowd claps for them. Well, these little zit-faced amoebas decided that the crowd was cheering because the coach replaced the black player with a white player. In fact, they stated this loud enough for everyone around us to hear it. This isn't what really set me off into a daydreaming marathon about spinning around in my chair and sucker-punching one of them. What really got on my last nerve was that whenever the game clock would reach 3:50, they would scream in my ears the words "TREEEEE FITTY!!!" Now seriously, whitey...you're going to sit there and call 10,000 people racists and then turn around and yell in a stereotypical African-American accent? Call me sensitive, but...no wait...just go to hell.

I drank Miller High Life in a can last night.

On Friday, I had a conversation with two lesbians in which at one point one of them said, and I quote, "If I were a dude, I'd suck your dick." Really? If you were a dude? Twisted.

Have I ever told anyone that I'm glad my mom doesn't read my blog.

I went to a party down the street last night and there was a living room full of indie rock, hipster kids dancing to rap music by the likes of Ludacris and Ja Rule. One of them stopped dancing long enough to tell me a story about his 30 pound cat. I don't remember the story. It must have been stupid. My friends that were there were too busy making "the sweetest dance party playlist ever" on their iPods to talk to me, so I mostly just wandered from room to room being creepy and looking at the paintings on the walls. I went to the bathroom and while I was peeing, some guy walked in and asked me if there was a Maxim magazine on the stand next to the toilet. When I told him there was in fact a Maxim on that very stand, he proceeded to walk right up next to me while I was urinating, pick up the magazine and walk out. I grabbed my coat and walked home, saying goodbye to no one.

I decided this week that I want to learn how to sew upholstery so I can make furniture with cushions. My friend Ryan said he could teach me how to knit a scarf. I told him that sounded cool, but I think he missed my point.

How do you piss off an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Thank you. Good night.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

The only thing that massive amounts of X-mas lights are good for: crazy long exposure shots.
Eric and Rusty were just kickin' it at Ozark Lanes...what the hell?

elvis is pissed...

This is the day I had to clean the blue room at work, which includes organizing the flat-files, a few product samples, our mess-o-tools and various other what-have-you.

ok, so i'm bored...

I know, I know...another stupid quiz thing. I put this one on here because it actually seems kind of hateful. Holy crap.

i am a scenester!




How indie are you?
test by ridethefader


You are so indie it hurts. You hang out with the coolest people in your city. It doesn't even bother you that none of them know your name. You know lots of bands personally, you know a couple of guys from We Hate The Mainstream Records, and you blag your way into getting almost everything for free. That fanzine you write gives you extra kudos. You probably don't even care that non-scenesters think you're a pretentious fuck.

Friday, December 10, 2004

i'm sorry for this...

I took one of those stupid quiz things. This is the anticlimactic result. Yay.

You're the Indie Guru!
You're the Indie Guru!
Take What sort of Hipster are you? today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.

You're practically too cool for words. You've got more indie rock knowledge in your pinky finger than Guided By Voices has songs! You went to your first Mudhoney concert when you were 14. You knew Green Day before they sold out to the masses. You can name every side project Lou Barlow has been in, complete with all album and song titles. You throw out words like "Thurston," "lo-fi," and "Kill Rock Stars." You wear jeans, old band tees, Converse. You hang with other gurus and people you can lord over. You're intelligent, but big-headed. Passionate, but hot-tempered. You will one day rule the earth.
If I had kids, and I home-schooled them, they would never learn biology. This is by far the most disturbing image (besides Janet Jackson's mondo nipple restraint) that I've seen in quite some time. It's basically a pile of dead animal bodies, neatly placed on a white background in photoshop, with some lovely shadows added as well. Yes...you can buy the kit online. Animal set w/Pig, 9 specimens - $12.95


our troubles are over, dude...

Last night, I discovered a new favorite food. It's called the Royal Red Robin Burger, and I can see why someone might consider it royalty amongst food. It can only be found at Red Robin, and it is described on their menu as the aristocrat of all burgers because they crown it with a fresh AAA jumbo fried egg. In addition, it has three strips of hickory-smoked bacon, two slices of American cheese, crispy lettuce, tomato and mayo. Now, seriously people...anything crowned with a AAA jumbo fried egg should be worshipped in my opinion. And whoever thought of the idea of putting a fried egg on a hamburger should be crowned king or queen of all that is great about food, but not with a AAA jumbo fried egg crown. They'd wear one of those cardboard crowns from Burger King or something. When I ordered this aristocratic burger, the waitress said "Um, you know that has an egg on it right?", to which I replied "Hellsyea!" It is by far the tastiest burger I've ever had. *wipes tear from eye*

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

it's skintastic...

When the world runs out of fossil fuels, scientists should research a way to power things off of oil from my face. I have the oiliest (real word?) facial skin of anyone I know. It starts in the morning, basically as soon as I wash my face. The pores begin production immediately. By high noon, my forehead glimmers like the Exxon Valdez just sprung a leak above me. I try to wash my face about mid-day, but it is all for not. By six in the afternoon, I'm slicker than Schwarzenegger in the javelin-thrower pose. Don't believe me? Hand me that frothy beer you got there and watch me use my nose to counteract the foam.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Hey, everyone! Look how much Chris loves folding and hanging his clothes! Yaaay!

a truck-load of dick and jane...

I knew I should have brought my camera with me this morning! I drove by the Scholastic Book Fair truck on the by-pass, probably on it's way to yet another elementary school to encourage the youth to read more by selling them overpriced books about firetrucks and baseball players. The guy driving looked like a child molester. I guess that's pretty standard though.

Monday, December 06, 2004

bunny says you're good for it...

I really want some chicken chunks from Charlie's right now, but it's raining so hard outside that I'm afraid I'll get ran over by Noah. He'll be screaming from the starboard bow, "Two at a time, you dumb jackass!" I'm willing to take that risk though. Hunger calls. I just hope they have those pre-packaged mini buckets of Louisiana hot sauce. I don't want chicken chunks unless they rip holes in my stomach and esophagus.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

every time you eat a steak, a hippie's hacky-sack falls in the gutter...

I had the wonderful opportunity to make a quick trip to The Rock over the Thanksgiving holiday to visit Bill Clinton's newest monument to himself, the William J. Clinton Presidential Library. It's a beautiful piece of architecture. I hope that it sets a standard for all future construction in Little Rock.

That said, I would just like to add that if I hear one more person say it looks like a glorified mobile home, I'll take their bottom lip and pull it over their head, right after I slap them in their teeth. If the sight of an inventive, highly creative, well thought out project like the Clinton Library only brings up an image of a trailer in your simple little mind...well, I don't know what to tell you. Go get yourself cultured. Besides, the American mobile home was originally an inventive, highly creative, well thought out project itself. I think tornados and white people with too many kids have given it a bad name. Awww, I'm so mean, I know it. Shut up. I spent a large portion of my childhood in a trailer, so I probably aided in their current stigma and therefore earned the right to discuss them however I want.


















Wednesday, December 01, 2004

instant message conversation of the day...

Ben says:
wanna here somethin funny?

Ben says:
i had this dream I crapped my pants and I was all embarassed.. then I woke up in that dream and thought I was awake.. then I was like "thank god i didn't crap my pants right.." well then I realized (in the dream) that I really had shat myself... then I was all embarassed.. then I woke up again.. but this time it was real and I did NOt shit myself.

Ben says:
I sighed in relief

Lankford says:
what did you eat last night?

Ben says:
hotwings

Lankford says:
ah

Lankford says:
that IS funny

Ben says:
anyway the moral of the story is.. when you think you shat your britches.. always make sure you are really awake before you get all stressed out

Lankford says:
good thinking